ProGuitarShop

Top Ten Guitarist Jokes

November 20, 2013

It’s lighten-up day here at Pro Guitar Shop. We spent much of the morning sitting around the conference table, cracking wise about drummer jokes and bass player jokes (keep in mind that we have both of those on staff here at PGS!) and thought maybe we were being too kind to guitarists, who are certainly deserving of some teasing from time to time… after all, if you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t take a solo. Let ‘em rip in the comments, people!

 

TOP TEN GUITARIST JOKES

 

Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
A: All of them, evidently.

 

 

Q: What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless

 

Q: What do you call a successful guitarist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: “How do you plead? …”

 

Q: What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.

 

Q: How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

 

Q: How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
A: Nobody knows.

 

Q: Why was the amplifier invented?
A: So the guitarist would have a place to put his beer.

Q: What did the blues guitarist’s tombstone read?
A: “I didn’t wake up this morning.”

 

Q: What’s the difference between a Lead Guitarist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Comments

  1. Steve says:

    Q. How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A. One while the rest stand around and say “I could do that!”

    posted on November 20, 2013 at 12:01 pm
  2. fohquack says:

    Q. how do you get a guitar player to turn down?

    A. put sheet music in front of him!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 5:31 am
  3. richey says:

    How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    10. 1 to screw it in, 9 to say, “He Sucks!”

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 5:37 am
  4. Ted says:

    Q:  What do you throw a drowning guitar player?

    A:  His amp

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 5:47 am
  5. Mike Munro says:

    Two guitar players walked by a bar ...... it COULD happen!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 5:49 am
  6. GIn says:

    A Bass player and a drummer suicide themselves and fall from the top of a building…
    Plofff… ……… … …… …… …… …… ….. Ploff

     

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 5:59 am
  7. Tommy Fargo says:

    Heres my top joke lol  
    EBAY LISTING :
    Barely used American Strat no fre twear
    and when you get it the serial number dates 2004
    and the frets are ate up all the way to the 7th fret LMAO  

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:00 am
  8. Ty says:

    Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a savings bond?
    A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money.

    Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
    A: Would you like fries with that?

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:07 am
  9. Sam Jones says:

    Guitars only look smaller than bass guitars because they look small in comparison to the guitar players’ heads.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:07 am
  10. Christian S says:

    Two jazz guitarists are talking to each other, and one says, “Yeah man, I bought your last album, it was pretty good!” to which the other replies, “So that was you!”.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:16 am
  11. Remy says:

    How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
    100
    1 to do it and 99 to say “I could have done that but faster and with more accuracy”.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:16 am
  12. Ryan says:

    What’s the difference between a jazz guitar player and a large cheese pizza?  The pizza can actually feed a family of four.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:37 am
  13. Spider says:

    What’s the difference between a Fender and a Gretsch? The Gretsch burns longer.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:40 am
  14. Yotes says:

    How do you figure out who the guitar player is at a party?

    He’ll tell you.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:43 am
  15. CD says:

    How many vintage guitar collectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
    “You REPLACED the original Phillips bulb on a 1962 SEARS TABLE LAMP?!?!”

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:49 am
  16. Splash says:

    Q.  What’s the first thought a guitarist has when he sees a really great axe in a pawnshop window?

    A.  I wonder how many pizza deliveries that’s going to take.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:49 am
  17. Anne Onimos says:

    How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    1…
    5… 1… 5… 1… 5… 1… 5…

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:52 am
  18. CD says:

    A typical rock band is…
    A great guitar player on lead guitar, a crappy guitar player covering rhythm, a guitar player that sucked so bad at it he switched to bass, a singer that can’t play guitar at all but still insists on strapping on an acoustic and strumming along during the slow songs, and a drummer that hates guitar players.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 6:53 am
  19. Tim says:

    The other night me and my buddy were driving and hit something. We got out to see what it was. When we looked in front of the car, we saw we’d run over a guitar player and a snail. I said, oh that’s a shame, the snail might have been on his way to a gig.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 7:03 am
  20. Gin says:

    Once upon a time… there were two friends ..., One was a musician…. the other.. has got NO money either!!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 7:18 am
  21. Dan says:

    And of course, “what’s the hardest thing to do on a guitar.”

    Make actual money.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 7:25 am
  22. Twangmeister says:

    Q: How do you lower the drag coefficient on a drummer’s car?
    A: Take off the “Domino’s Pizza” sign.

    Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work?
    A: Drops him off at the Guitar Center.

    East Coast Yo Cat asks “How do I sound?”
    West Coast Yo Cat asks “How does my sound look?”

    An accordion player stops in at 7-11 after a gig and leaves his instrument in the back seat, but forgets to lock the door. When he comes back, there are five more accordions in his back seat.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 7:40 am
  23. dave says:

    I’m a guitar player and I’m saving this page as soon as I learn how ..

    I’ll just have to find me a piano player that will talk to me ..

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 7:48 am
  24. Steve says:

    Q. What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
    A. When the 12 stringer lands on the baritone in the dumpster!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 8:23 am
  25. Vice Squad UK Punk Band says:

    Whats the difference between a Stadium Rock Guitarist and a Jazz Guitarist ?

    A rock player plays three chords to thousands of people…...........

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 8:30 am
  26. D Archerd says:

    What is the definition of a minor second?  Two lead guitarists playing in unison
    Did you hear about the guitarist who always played in tune?  Me neither
    How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None – they just steal someone else’s light
    How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one—but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one
    How does a guitar player change a light bulb?  He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.
    How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one
    What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars? Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
    Why bury guitar players 6 feet under? Because deep down they’re all very nice people.
    What does a guitar player ask when showing up for a gig? 1. Where do I plug in? 2. What do I play? 3. Can I run a tab?
    What do you call a building full of guitar players? Jail
    Why do scientists prefer to use guitar players over rats for experiments? Because they breed faster and the scientists don’t get so attached
    Why do guitar players like to tour in the summer? So they can visit all their kids
    What’s worse than telling jokes about guitarists?  Laughing at ‘em

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 8:43 am
  27. dave says:

    Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the car?

    It took three hours to get the bass player out.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 8:55 am
  28. Michael says:

    Left on a message board at the local music shop years ago….Looking for Lead Guitarist to round out rock trio…NO ASSHOLES!
    It was on that board for almost 2 years!!!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 9:26 am
  29. Newt Willey says:

    In a packed bar, a woman blurts out, ALL guitar players are A-holes!!
    A drunk yells, I resent that remark.
    Why are you a guitar player?
    No, I’m an A-hole !

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 10:56 am
  30. Andy says:

    What did the guitarist get on his sheet music?

    Drool…

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 11:01 am
  31. Bob Werkheiser says:

    What do call a building full of guitar players , where I work at Exelis Inc . in NY

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 11:14 am
  32. Mike says:

    Very funny most all of these. Thanks eveyone that shared these….....

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 11:16 am
  33. manny says:

    What’s the difference between an electric guitar player and a vacuum cleaner?
    When you unplug a vacuum cleaner it doesn’t suck anymore.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 11:21 am
  34. Jim Byrnes says:

    What’s the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
    A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 11:32 am
  35. JB says:

    I’ve been playing guitar for 45 years & I’m siting in my mom & dad’s attic w/17 guitars,11 amps & 22 pedals(really) playing guitar & reading these jokes.Now that’s funny??

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 11:42 am
  36. Jimmyo says:

    How do you get a guitar player off your porch ? Pay him for the pizza….

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 12:10 pm
  37. Roy says:

    I was gonna complain that you should stick to drummer jokes, but these are pretty funny.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 12:48 pm
  38. Lawrence Abbott says:

    A man asks the devil: “how much does it cost to be the greatest guitar player in the world?”
    Lucifer: “Give me your Soul…”
    The man: “What can i get for a dollar?”
    Lucifer: “greatest bass player in the world..”

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 1:14 pm
  39. Jay says:

    What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A rock guitarist learns 3 chords, practices for 3 months and plays to a crowd of 30,000 people. A jazz guitarist learns 30,000 chords, practices for 30 years, and plays to a crowd of 3 people.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 2:30 pm
  40. Gary Baker says:

    What do call it when a guitarist breaks a string on stage…......Open Tuning !!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 2:51 pm
  41. Gary Baker says:

    How do you hang a convicted Guitar Player ?  First you need to find the right Cord !!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 2:56 pm
  42. Rick says:

    Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
    So the rest of the band can understand them.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 3:00 pm
  43. Rick says:

    “Mommy, Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
    “Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

    Q: What do you call a guitar player without a lawnmower?
    A: Unemployed.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 3:09 pm
  44. Davis Turner says:

    What’s the difference between a blues guitarist, and a jazz guitarist?  Blues guitarist play one note for a thousand people, while a jazz guitarist play a thousand notes for one person.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 3:18 pm
  45. Rick says:

    Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
    A: A music critic.
    Q: What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
    A: Depends on how far you throw it.
    Q: How long does a guitar stay in tune?
    A: About twenty minutes, or until someone plays it.
    Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
    A: A guitar player with a business card.
    And my favorite…Q: What does a Heavy Metal Musician use for birth control?
    A: His personality.
    Thank You! Thank You! I’ll be playing here all week…

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 3:19 pm
  46. Stefaun says:

      The jokes from everyone who has written in are funnier than the ones in the Email here sent to us !!!!!!!!!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 3:21 pm
  47. Michael says:

    Ok…now go to bed!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 4:15 pm
  48. Spider says:

    An optomist?  A lead player with a mortgage. A lead player with a pager.  How do you get a drummer out of a tree? Cut the rope. How can you tell when a singer is at the door? He never has the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 4:56 pm
  49. Nicholas Michalakopoulos says:

    Q: What’s the difference between a guitar and your girlfriend?

    A1: A guitar will always let you play with another guitar !!
    A2: A guitar will never smash your girlfriend !!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 7:39 pm
  50. Conor says:

    Q: how many guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: 100, one to change the lightbulb and 99 to say Stevie Ray Vaughn could of done it better

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm
  51. George says:

    Q: How does a guitar player protect his Guitar from being stolen?
    A: Store it in a Bass case.

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 10:05 pm
  52. Charles catlow says:

    Did you hear about the guitar player who was so depressed because his timing was soooo bad?
    He threw himself behind a train…

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 10:45 pm
  53. John says:

    What are the two most common lies of a guitarist?

    1. I am NOT playing too loud!

    2. I ALREADY turned down!

    posted on November 21, 2013 at 11:11 pm
  54. pcsalter says:

    What eight words will you never hear in a music store?
    “Have you seen the guitar salesman’s new Porsche?”

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 12:03 am
  55. Excellent Steve says:

    Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. One but they just hold it and wait for the world to revolve around them.

    Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Who cares?

    Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
    A. The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth

    Q. If you take all the lead singers in the world and bury them up to their necks in sand what have you got?
    A. Not enough sand

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 1:37 am
  56. KZKustomz says:

    This is the best e-mail they’ve ever sent.

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 3:00 am
  57. Deb says:

    This has made my week… keep them coming!

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 3:09 am
  58. spider says:

    Can’t help myself….. Why does a drummer put drumsticks on his dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots.

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 3:16 am
  59. Ken says:

    What’s the definition of a Gear Whore?
    A Guitar Player that takes longer than two minutes to set up.

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 6:54 am
  60. GatesofDawn67 says:

    Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 12:56 pm
  61. Unca Stu says:

    Did you hear about the drummer?........ Yep!

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 6:07 pm
  62. toni says:

    http://youtu.be/Y51HwT9Flqg
    http://youtu.be/DtiFfABxlf8
    http://youtu.be/Xbziq21oF9U
    http://youtu.be/g2tIHXfZBG4

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 7:49 pm
  63. Ben Stotnova says:

    How is a guitar like your girlfriend?
    It’s impossible to tune the G string.

    posted on November 22, 2013 at 10:25 pm
  64. art labus says:

    How do you get a guitarist to turn down the volume?

    hand him the sheet music

    posted on November 23, 2013 at 3:40 am
  65. mark says:

    Q. What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a bass player?
    A. A tatoo

    posted on November 23, 2013 at 10:59 am
  66. Matt from Australia says:

    A band turns up to rehearsal and finds the bass player punching the crap out of a little ten-year old kid.
    The band say “Stop! Stop!”
    Bass player says “No! This little bastard put one of the strings on my bass out of tune!”
    Band says “Well just retune the string!”
    Bass player (still punching little kid) says “He won’t tell me which one!!”

    posted on November 23, 2013 at 2:04 pm
  67. Matt from Australia says:

    What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?

    Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo….

    posted on November 23, 2013 at 2:12 pm
  68. Deeve says:

    Q: What do you do when your bass player has fallen into the pool, shouting “I’m drowning!”
    A: Throw him his amp.

    posted on November 23, 2013 at 3:59 pm
  69. Ben Stotnova says:

    Advice to all the jokers on this thread, real and implied:

    KEEP YOUR DAY JOB!

    posted on November 24, 2013 at 1:11 am
  70. Kevin says:

    What did the Polka band ask after a new years gig?
    Can we leave our stuff here til next year?

    posted on November 26, 2013 at 3:57 am
  71. Bill says:

    How many guitarists does it take to change an LED lightbulb?

    10, 1 to change it while 9 stand around and talk about how much better the old tubes were.

    posted on November 27, 2013 at 12:12 pm
  72. Rod C. Venger says:

    Last night I was out robbing. I stuck my gun in some guy’s face. Then I saw his guitar case. I wound up giving him $30 and my watch.

    posted on November 29, 2013 at 5:18 am
  73. JGN says:

    What is the difference between a heavy metal guitarist and a prostitute?

    The heavy metal guitarist wears more makeup.

    posted on November 30, 2013 at 3:32 am
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    posted on December 3, 2013 at 11:11 am
  75. tlecstr says:

    A twelve year old boy received a new bass guitar for Christmas. Along with the guitar he received two free lessons. Coming home after the first lesson, he is asked by his father how it went. “Great!!” said the boy, ” Today I learned all the notes on the E string. Upon returning home from his lesson the next week he says to his father, ” Today I learned all the notes on the A string!!!”
    The next week the boy does not come home from school. Frantic, the father waits up for him all night. The boy finally come staggering in at 2am, smelling of beer and cigarettes. His father is furious and asks “Where the hell have you been?” The boys replies, ” Chill out Old Man!!! I just played my first gig!!!”

    posted on December 4, 2013 at 8:07 am
  76. doug says:

    3 guys in a bar having a drink. 1st ones asks the 2nd one: So what do you do?
    2nd one says “i’m a lawyer”. 
    1st: so how much does that make you a year? 
    2nd: oh around 175k.  and you?
    1st: I’m an architect. make around 130k
    2nd: cool.
    They notice the 3rd guy who has said nothing and ask: so what about you? what you pulling down a year?
    3rd: oh, I made about 25k last year
    both 1 & 2:  Hey, what kind of strings do you use?

    posted on January 23, 2014 at 11:28 am

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